Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely from area. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, sure, let us have One more place where by American Gentlemen can use robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer you everyone a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he must stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the task, replied, "You understand, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Room, a function staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, classified.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after locating the creating's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.

"It is really not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Functions

Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium the place visitors may perhaps ponder vague disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Regulate set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Community Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They may Appear"

The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it might stabilize the area"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is previously attracting focus from Worldwide buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even include:

A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Portion Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot hold out to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a hotel where by my PTSD may have transform-down services."

A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences counsel:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten Trump Tower Damascus included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Ultimate Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."